Wednesday, January 2, 2013

I kind of want to take a tour bus of Japanese people to Iowa and watch their heads explode

Let me tell you a little story about corn:

The Japanese are obsessed with it.

The end.


Okay, you know I can't leave it there. And maybe "obsessed" is a little strong, but then I really have to ask: WHY IS IT EVERYWHERE?

In vending machines:

Hot corn soup. No other food. Just corn soup. Or, I'm sorry..."corn potage."

And corn soup. And more corn soup. In every grocery and convenience store.

Even Heinz??
And individually wrapped pre-cooked ears of corn for snacking.

By the register, no less.
Corn on pizza. (I was so alarmed by the pineapple, ham, corn pizza, that I backed away before snapping a picture. I think it was the MAYONNAISE on top that got me.)

Or you can dress as some form of corn for your next costume party (Don't you worry: ON IT!)

Costume with CLASS.
Or hear corn in concert:



Now, if you know me, you know I love me some Doritos. LOOOOOVE. The junk food trifecta: Cool Ranch Doritos, Red Hots cinnamon candies, and Publix Sweet Tea. Add some fried chicken and that's an ideal meal right there. You didn't ask, but this is something I think the world just has to know. This is probably what I will eat on my first day back in America. Yummmmmm.

Okay, so what was I talking about? Doritos. Yes. I love them. So when I saw that little Doritos logo in the grocery store, I got all giddy and happy inside and I bought them without even a second glance.



But then I got home and looked more closely.

Do you see what that is??? Look closely.

Huh. Maybe this just alerts the consumer that these are corn chips.

NOPE. They are actually BUTTERED CORN FLAVORED DORITOS. I can't even explain how weird it is, but they have figured out how to make seasoning that is exactly like eating a fresh ear of buttered corn. There were popping and fizzing noises in my head as my brain tried to figure this out. SOOOOOO weird.

And yes, I finished the bag. But no, I will probably not buy more, love for Doritos and all. Okay, I like how in that last sentence I know my weakness for Doritos is bad enough that there is a chance I will go back for more of this Doritos abomination. If you were here right now, you would have heard a very deep sigh that accompanies that admission.

So, as you might imagine, some of the words I say most often here are: "What is that? I HAVE TO KNOW." Buttered corn Doritos. Yogurt soda. Weird root vegetables. Tofu somethings. Tentacles. Tummy is a CHAMPIOOOOOONNNNNN!!! But I really had to apologize to tummy after this one:


I saw "caramel corn." I like caramel corn. Actually, I love it. And strawberry flavor? Well, I had to know! Until I opened it. Then I was just worried. Clearly we don't have the same interpretation of "caramel corn."



Looks like worms, texture of Cheetos, tastes like strawberry Pop Rocks. Let your mind run over that combination. And now again. NOT OKAY. But yes, I ATE IT ALL. And no, I don't know why. I really don't.

And speaking of corn, up until Christmas day, I was greeted on my way to work by the Children of the Corn every morning:
FREAKED

ME

OUT
 I'm so glad they're gone.

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